I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
