Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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