youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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