We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
