I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize