What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
