I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
