No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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