I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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