you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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