At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
