hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
