What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
