The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
