I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
