Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
