You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize