i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
