got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I believe in your delicious
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
