Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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