woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
