u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
