so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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