I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
