I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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