I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
