I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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