There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i think my cat just said my name.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
