hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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