I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
