I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
