So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
