The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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