His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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