i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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