Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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