I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
