I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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