yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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