i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize