I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just invented taco cereal.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
