That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize