You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
