god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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