I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
