My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
