do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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