I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
