3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
