Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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