dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
