Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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