Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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