just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
