I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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