Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
