hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
