It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
