I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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