he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
