i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How does one acquire holy water?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
