Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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