apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
